I’m a few days late, but I’m lucky to have wrote about this in the same month that it was still relevant. Not to brag or anything but I’ve been pretty busy these days (working, working working), I feel like Obama on call minus the kissing baby foreheads and golfing…because golf is boring. I wouldn’t mind riding that golf cart around though, does anyone know much they pay? What degree do I need with that? I’ll have to google this afterwards, I could totally use a career change.
Anyways, after Ramadan we have a holiday called “Eid”, which I like to think of as the equivalent of Christmas. When we were younger my parents would take us out to mosques to collect candy and go visit family, GET MONEYY!!!! But now, because we’re older, we literally do nothing. I think all the parents got together collectively behind a Walmart and were like “Yeah, let’s just not do anything this year.” I mean COME ON as a Muslim we have like one freakin’ holiday and we can’t even celebrate it!? IT’S ONE!!!! In America they MAKE UP holidays! “National Best Friends Day” “Sweetest Day” “Bullies Day” “Mother’s cousin’s friend’s daughter’s cat Day”
And now the only money I get is the money I make from my job, which I use to pay my bills. You like that vicious cycle? I’m not even going to try to defend it. It’s kind of like “the OJ SIMPSON in the room”. Everyone knows.
After breaking fast, we went to my equivalent of Christmas which is Tim Hortons, where I ordered a sprinkled donut and got an ice cap with whipped cream. Cause nothing says EID MUBARAK!!! louder than a donut from a canadian coffee chain. Oh man, I know, should I be flaunting all this online? I’m such a snob. My life is too extravagant, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m spoiled.
Upon arrival, we sat outside in our backyard and I watched my Mom and Natster (Natalie) smoke argeeli (hookah). I’m not a smoker, I prefer to die from other causes, like saving a life, getting run over by a glittering unicorn…kidnapped by a bunch of abercrombie models…not tabbaco going through my tiny fragile body, haha. I am only like, 100 pounds. There is no room in my body for smoke. Natalie dropped some seeds after the computer she brought out to listen to boater Arabic music (Wael Kfoury?! The classics).
That’s how I spent my Eid. The old fashioned way: not celebrating it at all.
I play games on my iphone to escape time, and reality. The game I’m playing is really good but a bit confusing in terms of their storyline…it’s about templars and hashashins or something..like damn people I’m playing a game this isn’t supposed to be a history lesson. It’s called Broken Sword. I’m only halfway through I think, try it out and tell me what you think.
You know, finding a new job is extremely hard. It’s like, instead of me ‘job hunting’ – I feel like “Job” is ‘hunting Jessica’.
I guess I just don’t know what I’m trying to be. What the hell is it that I want? I feel like I’m about to enter a relationship and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Like, uh, is it now that we hug? Oh, you’re getting down on one knee? Why? Does your leg hurt? Did you step in something?! No no, let me help you up. Is that box your medication?
BLAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I wish I was 17 again. No problems, no bills, no responsibilities. Just pure life. Enjoyment. I know what I’m good at, and I’m confident in what I do. I just can’t get anything that allows me to be that. No matter how much I apply, or how many jobs I search….I always get the wrong responses, or nothing at all.
Sometimes I feel like this part of my life is never-ending. It’s like that one movie series that never ends, like Spiderman. Or Twilight. It’s like, after the 14th movie, just stop. Battle of the Spiderman Mice? Bella and Edward file for unemployment? Why?!? Just…no.
Okay, so what do I do? Don’t give up Jessica! Keep trying! You’ll get something!
But you see, what is it that I want?! Do I even know? I don’t think so.
Do I want to work in a studio for endless hours on projects I either won’t like or around people I don’t care to be with? Do I want to do boring paperwork or sit at a desk all day? Do I want to do feeble coding for websites all day?! DO I want people to give me orders? Will I take them? Is that just going to be me? Just working all the time? I don’t want to work! I want to have fun, and do what I love.
I guess I’m just stuck.
And then my photography, what is that about? Is this what I want to do? I don’t even feel like I’m really that good at it to be completely honest. I could be better, but I’m not. I could be a lot of things
___ LIKE A MILLIONAIRE. Ha. HAAAA. Funny.
I could branch out on my photography, but it’s a big gamble. I went to college for a design degree, and I’m just going to let it collect dust while I do photography? I want to do design, but I love photography too. I wish I could do both :(
I recently had an interview for a job with a museum as a web designer. Needless to say, it included more coding than I expected. I’m not much of a coder to be honest, I don’t particularly enjoy it…you know, it’s not like when I’m about to code I get all my snacks ready and my game face on. I’m lucky if I don’t make a website explode from invalid codes, hahaha. Just kidding.
I’m good at coding, but not independently based on money. I feel like I shouldn’t take the job because I wouldn’t be what they need. My expertise wouldn’t allow me to successfully fill the position, I’d just be causing a rift, and I don’t want that. Yes, I really need a new job. My retail job is getting old, but I can’t just take a job that I’m not 100000% comfortable in, right? It’s not the best choice.
So, any suggestions?! ANYTHING?!
In just two days I lost two people I really care about. It’s been very hard on me. I literally feel so lost…honestly. I have never felt this way before in my life :|
What the hell is going on!
I feel like…I don’t know what’s going to happen in my life, and I hate that feeling. The feeling of not knowing. It’s like when you’re watching a show you really love, and then they almost reveal the ending…BUT NO. THEY DON’T. Then the entire night you just stay up thinking WHAT HAPPENED TO EMILY? WHY DID HE ROB THAT OLD GRANDMA? WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE LASAGNA THEY LEFT IN THE FRIDGE? DID JAKE EVER FLUSH THE TOILET?! (I diffuse serious situations with humor)
That’s my life, right now. Forever.
Everyday I wake up and go,
“What the hell is going to happen today? When can I have a stable life?”
I just want some answers! ANSWERS. You know, like I’m takin’ an exam and I wanna cheat so damn bad….that kind of desperation.
You know, one time I was friends with a girl I met on neopets, we had been friends for 5+ years. I considered her my best friend, told her everything.. she was an awesome friend.
But then one day…I will never forget this….she just…stopped replying to me. Just stopped. Til this day, I still don’t know what happened between us.
That is the most painful type of goodbye. The ones that have no conclusion or closure. I am the type of person who needs closure. So if you don’t want to give it to me, you are essentially killing off a small part of my soul that I’ll never get back. That part of my soul left to find the answers, while my mind never asks the question. It’s a mixed communication, but that’s how it is. I’m sure many people have experienced this, and you know how difficult it is.
I’m over it now. Clearly, because I’m blogging about it. HAHAHAHA. No really, I just wanted to share this personal tidbit in my life. I spent months going to sleep wondering what happened, when she probably slept with sound dreams every night. Soooo….when they move on from you, you better make sure you run the other way.
Anyone who has been a long time visitor of this site will probably know who I’m talking about.
anyways, I’m doing a photoshoot tomorrow for my portfolio. I’ll show you all some photos.