I’m really going to sit and write out a nice structured paragraph, of 5, 12, WHATEVER maybe even a thousand, of my current state of life.
The week after this is my last of college.
I guess I don’t know how to feel. Can you believe it? God, I can’t. School has been my life for the past 10+ years and now it’s just going to end. You’d probably think this is silly, but if I could, I’d go back in a heartbeat. School is my haven, it protects me. Sometimes I find myself going to school just to escape, it’s like my second home. No one can hurt me at school, I feel very peaceful there. Unlike at my house, which is just a combination of drama and chaos.
For the past few months, I’ve not been doing so well, but I’ve realized why. I knew my job had something to do with it, but I didn’t know how severe it was. This past month, being my last at school, has been extremely difficult. Juggling a job and school is not an easy task, and it got worse towards the end. One day at work I was so stressed out, after being yelled at by a customer (won’t get into this, but yes, it’s happened before…imagine having someone throw their things at you and swear at you for just doing your job) that I just had enough. Refusing to serve him, he demanded for a manager, instead, he got security. Which then kicked him out.
He left…and I remember thinking: don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. There’s no reason too. He’s an idiot. But then I did. And I can tell you I really wasn’t crying because of that jerk…..I’m actually used to it. I was upset of how my life had turned out. It’s not that working retail is such a bad thing, but I feel like this isn’t what I was meant to do for the rest of my life. Sure, I wasn’t going to be a cashier forever, but how much longer? It’s been 2 and a half years and here I am. Same box, same place, standing, waiting, dealing with people, wasting my life away for 8 dollars an hour.
How come I don’t work harder to get a new job? Or work on my portfolio? Or apply for jobs? I was so disappointed in myself. I was so sad of everything. The fact that everytime I had money, I had to spend it on car payments, loans, etc. Damn is this a horribly depressing lifestyle or what? We work just to pay off stuff.
Everyday after that was horrible. Walking into work with a dead look on my face, no emotion, no energy, absolutely nothing. Even looking around, I felt dead. I don’t want to be here anymore. I could be working on my portfolio. I could be outside. I could be anywhere. But I’m here.
While at work, I started getting stomach pains. I felt really sick, and after talking to a manager, they decided to send me home early. I was so stressed out, I was making myself sick. They gave me less hours and for the next two weeks, I was free from work. I could just concentrate on school. For the first time in years, I didn’t have to think about work! Wow. What a strange feeling. But I swear to god, I could sign my life away on this sentence when I say: my life changed in those two weeks.
I met new friends, I stayed at school more, I got so much work done, I was happy. I literally had so much fun, I can’t even tell you! My new group of friends are amazing, it’s kind of sad I only met them a few weeks before I had to graduate and leave. I guess God was blessing me with a goodbye present? Haha.
I’ve enjoyed being happy for these 2 weeks. For a long time I wasn’t, but being away from the anxiety of work….took me into a better place. I literally can’t remember anything prior to this, it’s kind of like a black hole. But I can tell you, going back into work tomorrow, is going to be a huge struggle for me. I’m really nervous…I’m really scared, it makes me sad to think that it’s kind of over. I have to spend my last week of classes with WORK.
I’ve been applying to studios, but it’s harder than I expected.
Right now my plan is to save up enough money to go to Lebanon. I have most of it saved up, I just need a few hundred more for the rest of my ticket + spending money. I’ll stay in Lebanon for a month, forget about my life in the United States and then come back and find another job until I can produce better results in the design field. Until then, I’m going to wing it. I don’t want to keep living like this, I’m going to slowly defeat myself like I have been.
My other plans will be to start working on swimchick again. Probably offer up new resources and update more, maybe that can serve as a backup plan :) I’m excited to start work on it. I plan on quitting my retail job before I go to Lebanon. I can’t do it anymore, and I won’t let myself fall apart. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I can’t do it…..I love my management, they’re the only reason I’m still there. It’s just the customers, the people who I deal with. They make it unbearable. I won’t deal with it anymore.
Well, that’s all I have to say for now. I have much more, but dang, I wrote a lot already. Don’t know who will get this far, hehe.